No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury

 

Ebooks edition

Title : No Bad Kids : Toddler Discipline Without Shame

Author : Janet Lansbury

Amazon Kindle Edition

Pages : 166

First Published in 2016

Language : English

Well, this is my first post after 2 years of erratic days since my daughter born in this world, and frankly my first review is a parenting book. 

Actually, it is not even a review, but take-away points that I keep for a reminder since I am clueless about parenting. So bear it with me a little because understanding a toddler is a whole new thing for me. 

No Bad Kids is a reference book to read when you into or want to learn about a gentle parenting method (or gentle discipline!). There are 32 chapters in this book that I found not really coherently arranged that later I found out that it is a collection of articles from the author's blog.  But never mind that! It can be followed. 

There are two extreme approaches to discipline that do not serve a toddler’s needs. One is overly strict, punitive, and non-empathetic. It involves maintaining control of the household through punitive discipline and other manipulative tactics. 

The child is perceived as innately “bad” and out-of-control, needing to be taught how to behave through fear and shame. Respect is demanded from children rather than being something children can be trusted to return to us when they have been treated respectfully from the time they are born. 

On the other end of the spectrum are parents who are reticent to engage in conflict and will do almost anything to avoid their child’s disagreement. These parents hope boundaries will be accepted by their toddler, so they set limits timidly, softly, perhaps with a wavering tone that asks, Is this going to be okay with you?

I think the misconceptions circulated outside,  gentle parenting is not that different from passive or permissive parenting. But they are very different. 

Passive parents often give too many choices, overanalyze, or respond ambiguously when children need a definitive, honest intervention.

Before we excerpt more from the book, at first, we need to understand a toddler. Toddlers are prone to pushing limit. It is their job to explore and learn actively for their developmental milestones. I think this sentence need to be carved deep in any parents or anyone who want to work with toddlers.  

Basically, a toddler is just someone who just venture into the world two year ago, so what she/he needs is a leader, a gentle leadership from her/his parent who giving them boundaries, directions, and guidance. 

Then the next question is why children won't follow our directions? The fact is toddlers often understand exactly what we want but choose to do the opposite. Why? here are the most common reasons:

• There is disconnection. Children often repeat their resistant and rebellious behaviours because they aren't feeling our love. 
• Words are not enough. Once we understood that our words are not enough for most young children, and how difficult is for them to understand and express their needs, we see the ridiculousness of taking their refusals to follow our verbal directions personally. It's on us to make our expectations clear by following through with firm and gentle actions.
• Guilt trip is ineffective and can make children feel guilty that later impact on their inner feeling.
• We are unconvincing or way too exciting.
• We overdirect.
• She/he has better things to do.

Also, when the child keeps saying 'No', it means a power word key to his burgeoning autonomy. The key is to continue to encourage his autonomy and give him options so that he doesn't feel bossed around.

Since children are basically a new person that still learning about autonomous and have their choice respected. At the same time they need boundaries and limit to know that they're not in charge. The too much freedom will make them feel uneasy and expressed into behavior such as resistant, whiny, clingy or keep testing us until they get what they want.  It may seem ironic that giving our children freedom can cause them to test our boundaries even more. 

After we understand Toddler's POV (later will make it easier to acknowledge child's feeling), then we learn about the Gentle discipline Guidelines, including:

1. Begin with a predictable environment and realistic. Ever since a baby, a predictable routine enables a baby ta anticipate what is expected of her. This is the beginning of discipline. After all, toddler is no fans of transition. 
2. Don't be afraid or take misbehaviour personally. If we understand toddler just being a toddler, then it will easier for us to not take it personally.
3. Respond in the moment, calmly like a CEO. Lectures, emotional reactions, scolding and punishment do not give our toddler the clarity she/he needs and can create guilt and shame.
4. Speak in First person.
5. No Time-out. 
6. Consequences. A toddler learns discipline best when he experiences natural consequences for her behaviour rather than a disconnected punishment like time-out. 
7. Don't Discipline a child for crying
8. Unconditional love. Withdrawing our affection as a form of discipline teaches a child that our love and support turns on a dime, evaporating because of her momentary misbehaviour would not foster a sense of security. 
9. Spanking-never.

Here are some suggestions for us parents to stay unruffled when toddlers start their impulsive behaviour:

1.  Gain Perspective. Our attitude toward limit-pushing behaviour is everything and what defines our attitude. We mus'nt judge toddler's 'overreactions' but rather try to understand and welcome them.
2. Perceive conflict and strong emotions positively. It is okay for children to want what they want, even when we won't give it to them. No matter how unfair or ridiculous our child's stance seems, we don't coerce, argue or judge.
3. Have reasonable expectations.
4. Be Preventative, Prepared and Proactive. 
5. Act as if...
6. Use imagery
7. Practice-it gets easier
8. Recognize personal triggers, projections and weaknesses.
9. Find support.

Additionally, there is some takes to stay calm when kids aren't from the Author's personal experience :

1.  Understand that difficult behaviour is a request for help.
2.  Remember to acknowledge the kid's feeling
3. Have the confidence to set and hold limits early
4. Knowing that words are often not enough, must be followed through.
5. Not afraid of what others think
6. Have the courage to allow feelings to run their full course without trying to calm, rush, fix, shush or talk it out. 
7. Move on withour slightest resentment
8. Rather than feeling angry, guilty, Hold head high and congratulate ourselves for being an awesome parent.

The more we welcome our children's displeasure, the happier everyone in our household will be.

Rather than Punishment, there are thing about consequences that need to be introduced to the children. Consequences are effective, respectful and relationship building when:

1.  Logical, reasonable and age appropriate. Example:  " I can't let you throw those blocks to the window...you can throw them toward the rug or in a basket, or i will need to put them away for now. I'll put the blocks away."
2. Stated kindly and confidently rather than a threat.
3. Coupled with acknowledgment of children's POV and feeling.
4. Consistent, predictable responses element of a routine that the child recognize. Example : finished eating when the child keep standing up/ stop eating.
5. A genuine expression of parent's personal limit.

I think there are things that make us, parents confuse which thing is allowed? Which one is strict no in a parenting. Good news, here are some general guidelines of yes and boundaries for parents:

 1. Always say yes to : 

        A. Feelings

        B. Safe exploration, self-directed play

2. Give boundaries to : 

        A. Safety

        B. When child is testing

        C. During transitions

3. The annoyance factor

    Since a relationship takes two, our needs and feelings are just as important as our child’s. Yes, we make many sacrifices as parents, but ultimately, the relationship has to work for both of us.

    Whenever possible, we don’t give children the freedom to irritate us through their behavior.

Finally, the gentle disciplines practices that offered in this book, including:

1. Respectful, honest, first-person communication.
2. Acknowledging desires and feelings. 
3. Keeping directions simple and concise. 
4. A confident, matter-of-fact, unquestioning tone. 
5. Gently following through. For example, catching the child’s hands (or feet) when he lashes out while saying, “I won’t let you hit.” If we don’t follow through, children stop taking our directions seriously. 
6. Limiting screens and overstimulating toys.
7. Belief in their child’s ability to actively participate in creating solutions.

Well, it is my first gentle parenting book that i read so I don’t have any comparison to other. I found many meaningful insights that later I may practice it to my kid. So yes, it is practical.

What i found bit a letdown is  the incoherent between the chapter. Also many paragraph seems repetitive. But still, it is a recommended book!