 |
| Papperback version |
PSYCHIATRIST: So how can I help you?
ME: I don't know, I'm – what's the word – depressed? Do I have to go into detail?
Baek Sehee is a successful young social media director at a publishing house when she begins seeing a psychiatrist about her - what to call it? - depression? She feels persistently low, anxious, endlessly self-doubting, but also highly judgmental of others. She hides her feelings well at work and with friends, performing the calmness her lifestyle demands. The effort is exhausting, overwhelming, and keeps her from forming deep relationships. This can't be normal. But if she's so hopeless, why can she always summon a yen for her favorite street food: the hot, spicy rice cake, tteokbokki? Is this just what life is like?
Recording her dialogues with her psychiatrist over a twelve-week period, and expanding on each session with her own reflective micro-essays, Baek begins to disentangle the feedback loops, knee-jerk reactions, and harmful behaviors that keep her locked in a cycle of self-abuse. Part memoir, part self-help book, I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki is a book to keep close and to reach for in times of darkness. It will appeal to anyone who has ever felt alone or unjustified in their everyday despair.
***
I Want to Die but I want Eat Tteokbokki
Author : Baek Se-Hee
Published year : 2018
Pages : 232
Genre : Essay
Age Recommendation : 17+ (TW)
II was sold the moment I saw the title of this book! it’s catchy and intriguing! I decided to purchase it without bothering to read the blurb or any online reviews. I think that was my first mistake. I placed high expectations solely based on the title.
Not that this book is horrible — it’s just different from what I expected. I was imagining a memoir, so when I read the first chapter, I was surprised!
It turns out to be a transcript of conversations between the author and her psychiatrist for almost 75% of the total pages.
Okay, I admit it was my mistake not to check the subtle hints in the blurb first. But as I read several pages, I started to get bored.
It’s the kind of slow-burn book where we can eventually capture how the author gets better week by week after her therapy sessions. Of course, the progress feels slow since it’s a real case. But again, I thought it would be a self-help book or a memoir. It’s a bit difficult to understand the author’s inner thoughts and feelings since most of it is just a transcript. Yes, there are snippets of the author’s reflections after each therapy session where she highlights the important parts. But how could I really tell whether she’s getting better or worse?
Another thing that kept bugging me was the psychiatrist. I’ve never been to one, yet I imagine I wouldn’t want to feel judged when seeking help from a professional. But in this book, the psychiatrist feels somewhat judgmental toward the author. I couldn’t feel any sense of comfort or calmness while reading their exchanges.
The last 25% of the book consists of the author’s mini essays — her journal entries where she shows her true self. She writes beautifully. She doesn’t like being judged based on her school or major (creative writing, if I’m not mistaken), yet ironically, I judged her for being such a talented writer , her essays are raw, heartfelt, and beautifully written that I couldn’t help but think, “Ah, no wonder! She majored in creative writing!” (Ha! Sorry!) I wish she had written more essays after the transcripts to give a deeper perspective on her mental struggles.
Another thing that bothered me was the title. I think I missed the part where the author mentioned she likes tteokbokki. I only found it in the last chapter, in a note from her psychiatrist. Maybe it’s meant to be a figurative title.
Anyway, there are still some wise and beautiful phrases and pieces of advice from the psychiatrist, such as this one:
"There is no absolute good when it comes to relationships. And it's perfectly healthy to have disagreements with friends and lovers from time to time. I just hope you can learn to differentiate the parts from the whole. Just because you like one thing about a person, you don't need to like everything about them. And just because you don't like one thing about a person, it doesn't mean the person as a whole isn't worth your time. I think you should get in the habit of thinking differently."
Overall, it’s a good book, it just didn’t meet my expectations, which made me a bit disappointed since it had been on my wishlist for a long time.
Comments
Post a Comment